"I'm tired of thinking."

I've uttered this thought ironically more than 30 times this day. I'm not estimating and I'm not guessing - I've been so introspective that I set up an actual count of this one constant & monopolizing thought.

And I've come to the conclusion that its less than healthy. So to counter it, or my way of stopping said behavior, I sleep. And because I dream lucidly and deeply, I wake up with more fodder for my never ending thoughts...and that leads me back to being tired...of thinking.

Whoa. Ladies and Gentlemen I have discovered a rut in my plans. Yup, big fucking rut.

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Its not that I enjoy driving my self crazy, but I feel as if I've painted myself into a corner. What I want is all mapped out in my head; I have my own ideal, my own reasons for doing things. But I'm stuck at a crossroads and I've broken my leg. Now its not that I don't know which way to choose - its that I'm unable to move in any direction until I've healed. I feel that where I am is a cage too small for my wing span. And I'm tied of waiting for someone to open the latch. [Metaphor much? Gahds.]

Its a beautiful cage, with gilded bars, pristine floors and dishes. Well fed and preened is she, the bird that sings most splendidly a song that she was taught to entertain with. But its not enough to sing without reason. the other birds; the lesser birds who are given access to the world abroad, provided with the keys to their own freedom, tell of longing for what the placated bird has. The security that her cage and accoutrements offer. Her cultured plume, and colorful breast that attract and belay good standing, her gracious song, all gifts to be revered. But it's never enough She has been written off by some as ungrateful and its often that she finds herself thinking the same. "What have I to feel longing for?" But its what's outside her damnable door that she wants; feelings that she cannot imagine and thoughts that she cannot concieve alone. She wants to be more than the pretty birdie, always looking out yet lacking things within. Because now that shes grown her cage is too small. And birds in small cages never do well.